Mishap On The Street (A Celebration For 50 Years of Sesame Street)
by Red-Dead 69
Summary: Ok so Sesame Street is like half a century old so I made my first fic about it and its kinda random like the show (Not For Kids) Contains swearing, sex jokes, and more mature content brought to you by the number 69 (I do not own Sesame Street I only own the story)
1. Mr Hooper's Crappy Day

**Mishaps on the Street**

The following story contains mature content brought to you by the number 69, enjoy.

The year was 1969 (get it 69) during that year the first man walked on the moon, Nixon became president, and Sesame Street emerged onto our screens.

Anyways it was a sunny day on Sesame Street (obviously) and Big Bird was in Mr. Looper er I mean Mr. Hooper's Store humming the theme song to himself as Mr. Hooper had "important business to attend to" suddenly a familiar man in a trenchcoat entered the store. "Psst hey Big Cock." said the man in the trenchcoat "I dare you to lay an egg right here." Big Bird was thinking "Hmm could I really lay eggs." the yellow turkey pondered "I mean if my sister laid eggs why can't I." Big Bird got off his seat and attempts to lay an egg straining and grunting as if he was at a gym but nothing came out. "Tell you what Cock Bird." said Lefty "If you could lay an egg for me I'll give you a shitload of shrooms." Big Bird does like shrooms how else does he see "Mr. Snuffleupagus" when others could'nt but even though he tried to pass an egg nothing happened.

As Big Bird was panting like a dog who was locked up in a hot car it was then time for phase 2 according to Lefty the Salesman. "Hey don't feel down here have some of this "Magic Stuff" then you'll be laying eggs in no time." said Lefty as he handed the gullible canary laxatives while he chuckles "Dumbass" Lefty mumbled as Big Bird consumes the whole container of "Magic Stuff". Not even a minute later Big Bird's stomach was gurgling "Oh fuck I don't feel good." said the overgrown feather duster as he proceeds to shit all over the store on the floor on the cash register, the glasses, on the phone, and even on Lefty himself. Lefty now covered in bird shit ran off to Bert and Ernie's to take a bath in their tub unnoticed as Mr. Hooper returned from his "important stuff" he saw that his store was a mess and it smelled like shit.

"**WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY STORE!" **Mr. Hooper roared in extreme fury and as he looked around he saw Big Bird still on the floor moaning in pain after Lefty the Salesman tricked him to eat laxatives but when the yellow rooster was about to greet Mr. Hooper the store owner began to scream. **"GOD DAMMIT BIG BIRD YOU SHITTED ALL OVER THE FUCKING STORE... YOU BITCH!" **Everyone on Sesame Street heared Mr. Hooper cursing up a storm at poor Big Bird even Herry who was supposed to be all big and tough ran away in fear. Meanwhile Mr. Snuffleupagus was heading to Big Bird's nest with some X rated snuff (leupagus) pornos to watch in the Fix it Shop after hours but he heared all the commotion going on at the store. "Oh Dear." Snuffy comments. "Mr. Hooper must be on his period again and taking it out on Bird... oh well I guess I'll be going back to my cave I hope my Mom doesn't catch me with her Pornos she starred in before I was born." Snuffy continuing to talk to himself as he walks away from all the drama.

**"AND STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING STORE BEFORE I CUT YOUR THROAT WITH THIS KNIFE!" **Mr. Hooper screamed angerly despite the children being outside at the time all too scared to even go near the store minus the smell of bird crap all over. Mr. Hooper realized that everybody in the neighborhood must've heared him scream like an animal which traumatized the kids and plus the fact he was just banging Maria while David was taking care of his sick nephew means one thing... Mr. Hooper's going to be in deep shit no pun intended.


	2. Animated Segment

Before I begin this chapter contains some racist, and homophobic slurs I am not trying to offend anyone every fanfic I make is for entertainment only... anyways I hope you enjoy.

"Hey what's up you little turds." Says the animated Greaser wannabe "I'm Devon, Devon the Douchebag and today I'm gonna teach you dumbasses the alphabet as I insult people." So Devon walks all other the place and people would say a letter to him. The first victim was a mailcarrier "A" to which Devon replies "You're an Asshole." next came his ex wife who shouts "B" Devon replies "You're a Bitch." then a blind WWI veteran says "C" and Devon replies "You're a Cracker." next comes the guy who bullied Devon when they were kids who blurts out "D" and Devon says "You're a Dick."

Then his six year old son says "E" Devon replies "You're an Embarrassment." As his son ran home crying Devon say three men in a tub the one on the left says "F" Devon responds "You're a Faggot." "G" "You're Gay." "H" "You're a Homo." The pizza delivery man says "I" and Devon says "You're an Imbecile." Then an Isreali says "J" and Devon replies "You're such a Jew." "K" says the Isreali's wife. "You're a Kike." Devon responded and he bumped into a lesbian couple "L" says the overweight woman Devon says "You're a Lesbo." "M" says the other lesbian "You're a Motherfucker." Then a basketball player hollered "N" and Devon replies "You're a ... you know what I may be a douchebag but even I have standards" Devon thought so he instead called the basketball player a "Nuisance." A fat woman exausted pants out "O" Devon replies "You're Obese."

Then a gay man says to Devon in a sexual tone "P" and Devon yells "You're a Pervert." The gay man's lover said "Q" Devon responds "You're a Queer." A pirate says "R" and Devon says "You're a Retard." Around the corner a prostitute slowly shouts "S" Devon replies "You're a Slut." "T" say the feminest "You're a Twat." Devon said, "U" says the skater "You're an Unclefucker." Devon replied, "V" says the paperboy "You're a Virgin." "W" says the prostitute Devon insulted earlier "You're a Whore." Devon yelled out "X" said the fat woman Devon called obese "You're Xtra-Large." "Y" said the Isreali couple Devon racially insulted before "You're both Yiddish." Devon yelled "Z" shouted everybody Devon insulted in the cartoon "You all didnt deserve to come out your mothers' Zatches." Devon roared out loud. Well you know your ABCs Devon's got to run you see.


	3. You Have A Penis In Your Ear

In Bert and Ernie's apartmant Bert just came back from the strip club where he was "Doin the pigeon" sort of speak and he was surprised to see what was happening. Ernie was just standing while some perverted middle aged man sticked his penis in his ear. Bert started to tell Ernie about whats happening "Hey uh, Ernie... Ern?" "Hi Bert." says Ernie as if he has no idea what's happening. "Uh yeah hey Ernie do you know that you uh have a penis in your ear?" Bert asked. "Whats that Bert."

Ernie spoke loudly. "I said you have a penis in your ear Ernie now penises are sexual organs they are to use sexually not have in your ear Ernie." Bert answered trying to reason with Ernie. "WHAT DID YA SAY BERT?" Ernie yelled louder. "WOULD YOU JUST GET THAT PERVERT'S DICK OUT OF YOUR EAR!" Bert screamed as he's losing his patience. "I'M SORRY YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER BERT I CAN'T HEAR YOU I HAVE A PENIS IN MY EAR!" Ernie yelled. Bert then faints.

(A little later when Bert regains conscienceness) "Ernie!?" Bert scolds "Hi Bert" Ernie responds. "You still have that wierdo's penis in your ear?" Bert asked "WHAT!" shouted Ernie. "I said you still have that penis in your ear." Bert answered. Ernie finally heared what Bert was saying "Yeah Bert I know." Ernie answered "You know? Ernie why is that penis still in your ear?" Bert questioned. "Listen Bert .. I use that wierd man's penis to keep the alligators away." Ernie explains "Aligators?.. Ernie for the last time there are no alligators on Sesame Street." Bert shouted "Right.. he's doing a good job isn't he Bert?" Ernie laughs and the strange gay man approachs Bert about to do the same thing he did to Ernie. "WOULD YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE PERVERT!?" Bert angrily screamed at the gay mental patient (though not as loud as Mr. Hooper back in chapter 1) soon the maniac ran out of the apartment and sounds of screams and police sirens were heared while Bert faints once again.


	4. Super Grover Episode 420

Super Grover Ep. 420

Somewhere outside of Sesame Street a rather suspicious red van with the words "FREE CANDY" just pulled up by the park driven by... well let's just call him "Kevin" (I think you know why) who was hidden in the van waiting for little boys to come inside. To Kevin's luck a little boy did come near the van as he stopped to read the words on the van "Wait what's that?" the kid asked when he saw the van. "Free... Candy." The boy read "Oh boy I never got anything for free before." Says the boy all hyped up but then he stopped. "Wait a minute my Mom told me to never go in a stranger's car... but on the other hand what are the odds of an offer like that is ever going to happen again." the boy pondered. "I'm so confused." yelled the puzzled child.

Just then a scream was heard and some blue thing wearing a red cape and a knight's helmet violently crashed near the kid. It was none other than Super Grover, "Man I should really stop drinking Martinis before I fly like 200 feet in the air." says the half drunk Super Grover. "Alright kid what do you want?" asked Super Grover. The young lad starts to explain to the incompetent so called hero "OK do you see what the car says?" asked the boy as he points at the red van. "Uh huh so what?" Super Grover asked. "Well I really want to get some free candy but my Mom told me to never go near a van that says free candy and what are the odds of an opportunity like that will ever happen again if I leave." "Well kid." Super Grover says. "Your mother's such a bitch." "Are you going to let a bitch like her run your life?" asked Super Grover "I don't know." says the boy. "What if something bad happens?" "Oh come on." says Super Grover "It's free candy don't be such a pussy look I'll prove to you that nothing bad is going to happen I'll go in that van with you." the little boy agrees to go in the van with Super Grover but when they got in... "Hey where's the Free Candy?" Super Grover asked. Just then "Kevin" lurked out of the shadows and proceeds to pounce at the kid and Super Grover like a leopard and before you know it the boy and Super Grover are so fucked no pun intended.


	5. A Fcked Up World

Big Bird, Herry, Grover, Count, Cookie Monster, Prarie Dawn, Bert, and Ernie were hanging right in front of Oscar's Can inspite of the fact he's a Grouch. "Oh that sucks." said Grover "At least you didn't get raped in the ass like I did." Then Bert adds "And be glad that you were'nt the one who had to deal with Ernie allowing some pervert to stick his dick in his ear I mean who does that?" "I know but I can't believe that Mr. Looper didn't believe me when I told him that a guy in a trenchcoat gave me some magic stuff that made my ass explode." Big Bird says sadly. "Thats Hooper." Prarie corrected "And let me tell you that "magic" stuff you took were probably laxatives." "Laxatives?" Big Bird asked.

"Yeah Big Bird remember last month when Cookie Monster had severe constipation after eating a shitload of cookies?" Herry replies "Yeah I remember." Big Bird answers "That was the day we got Kermit to put some pill like stuff and he crapped all over Bert's bed." "Please don't remind me." says Bert "I still have nightmares about being forced to consume Cookie's shit." "But anyways what did the guy look like?" asks Bert wishing to change the subject before he gets another PTSD styled flashback of Cookie spewing diarrhea and Bert himself having to clean it all up in disgust. "Well." Big Bird says "He was green like Kermit, and he wore a trenchcoat." "Goddamnit it's that asshole again." Bert mumbles "Bert you know that guy?" Big Bird asks. "Unfortunaty I've dealt with that motherfucker he goes by the name Lefty for some reason and he's a gangster and a con artist." Bert explains "He must've been trying to get you in trouble that son of a bitch." "Well at least that robot SAM cleaned up the store after Biff threw up trying to pick up my crap but I'm still pissed." says the colossal canary "Mr. Looper threw me out of the store and refused to believe me when I told him some guy told me if I had those laxatives I could lay eggs and that he'd give me free drugs as if him not believing in Snuffy wasn't enough **I HATE HOW FUCKED UP THE WORLD IS NOWADAYS!" **Big Bird shouts in anger. "**HEY SHUT THE FUCK UP ALL OF YOU I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" **Oscar roared **"JESUS CHRIST FIRST IT WAS THAT OLD BAT BANGING MARIA THEN THAT RETARDED BUCKET OF BOLTS CLEANED UP THAT TURKEY'S SHIT JUST WHEN I WAS ENJOYING IT AND NOW YOU DIPSHITS ARE HANGING AROUND NEAR MY PROPERTY!" **

"Hey fuck off you snot colored goblin nobody asked for your opinion." Big Bird back talks the extra grouchy Oscar "We're going like forty years in the future so you'll be dead before you could continue you're bitching." Then Oscar shouts **"I HONESTLY DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHERE YOU FUCKTARDS GO AS LONG AS IT'S AWAY... FROM... MY... CAN!" **After all that ranting Oscar slams the lid and one of his disembodied elephant trunks Fluffy emerged from the can holding an empty beer bottle and she chucks it at Big Bird which then explodes on impact. "Ow my cock!" Big Bird yelped in pain then he lunged towards the can attempting to strangle the trunk but the yellow turkey forgot there were like twelve other disembodied trunks which starts smacking Big Bird to save Fluffy's life and after Fluffy got free and smacks Big Bird on the beak he really gets pissed. "**I'LL SURE BE HAPPY WHEN ALL YOU ELEPHANTS DIE OUT IN THE NEXT FORTY YEARS AND YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL TAKE A SHIT ON YOUR FUCKING GRAVES!" **Big Bird snaps and just when having only a trunk for a body wasn't bad enough now Big Bird's friends are restraining him to prevent him from killing Oscar's disembodied trunks. It's never a dull moment on Sesame Street that's for sure... Stay Tuned... or Don't I don't really care.


	6. We're On Our Way (At Long Last)

(Oh man has it been June already? Just so you know I'm not dead. And to prove it to you all I'll continue on with the story. I apologize for the delay.)

"So Einstien." Herry says sarcastically "How are we going to the future?" "Yeah and why 40 years out of all places?" Bert comments. "Well I'm just thinking that everyone will stop being douchebags in the future." says the overgrown turkey. "Well does it look like there's a Tardis on around here?" Bert asks. "Who you calling tarded?" shouts the gluttnous beast. "No Cookie I said Tardis not retarded geez does no one watch TV anymore?"

"Well there's Mumford maybe he can take us to the future." Ernie suggested "God dammit Ernie!" Bert says "Basically every trick the guy comes up with goes completly wrong." "And if his stunt actually works how can we know he'd still be alive to bring us back." Prarie remarks. "Ok so that useless bastard's out of the question." says Big Bird "Then who can bring us to the future because I'm sick of living in a world full of dicks." Just then SAM finished cleaning up the store of bird shit and Biff's puke and is roaming the street mindlessly. "God dammit it's SAM." Big Bird mumbled "Hey beat it you rusty retard no one likes you." Big Bird shouts "Big Bird!" shouted Prarie as she smacked the albino ostrich "Don't you know he's part time machine?" "He can send us to the future and back if something goes wrong." "Alright tin man you can come." Big Bird yells out as SAM approaches "Greetings Big Cock how how how how how..." SAM stammers then Big Bird delivers a roundhouse kick to the massive tin can "Are you?" says SAM after finishing his sentence.

"Listen here the world nowadays are full of dicks so I request that you send us 40 years from today." Big Bird says "Well Cock I'll send everyone within a 40 foot radius to 2019." SAM responds without stammering "In 1 6..." as the countdown continues Snuffleupagus starts coming back to the street unaware of what's going to happen. "2 1" Zip! Now everyone in a 40 foot radius including SAM poofed 40 years in the future.

Will 2019 be good... Stay tuned.


	7. Ya'll Saw This Coming

"Now what starts with the letter P?" asked Cookie Monster. "Pussy starts with P now let's think of other things that start with P .. eh who gives a fuck bout the other things." "P is for pussy that's good enough for me, P is for pussy that's good enough for me, P is for pussy that's good enough for me oh pussy pussy pussy starts with P. P is for pussy that's good enough for me, P is for pussy that's good enough for me, P is for pussy that's good enough for me oh pussy pussy pussy starts with P." And you know what a pussy if you squint can look like a P, a curled up penis can look like a P but it's no good as pussy, and me sister's titties looks like a P but no one would jerk off to that so P is for pussy that's good enough for me, P is for pussy that's good enough for me, P is for pussy that's good enough for me oh pussy pussy pussy starts with P. Pussy pussy pussy starts with P (Fuck Yeah) Pussy pussy pussy starts with P. Om nom nom nom nom mmm tastes like chicken.


	8. 2019 Boy Oh Boy

Now this is the chapter we've all been waiting for. It took alot of thought but here it is. "2019... Will It Be Any Good?"

OK so S.A.M. sent most of the Muppets to the year 2019 "Oh me no feel good" Cookie blurts "Oh shit someone hurry before this gluttonous bitch pukes on me again." Says Bert annoyed of what he has to deal with. "Gee this is just like some sort of acid trip." says Big Bird who's quite queasy himself. Momentarily the Muppets are placed in a balcony like from The Muppet Show 10 feet higher than the main building. "AHH MY EYES!" shouted Grover as everything in the future is too bright "I think I might be blind." Big Bird looks threw the windows of Mr. Hooper's Store since he's a bird he has better vision than us but he doesn't see Mr. Hooper. Instead he sees an Asian taking over the store. Big Bird was scared not because the former general store is now a fucking 7/11 but a Japanese guy has apparently stole the store from Mr. Hooper. "AH JESUS CHRIST OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HEY YOU GUYS MR. LOOPER WAS RIGHT THE JAPS HAVE TOOK OVER THE WORLD WE GOT TO TELL HIM A JAP HAS STOLE HIS STORE SOMEONE HIDE BARKLEY HIDE YOUR PETS A JAP IS GOING TO COOK YOU AND EAT YOU AND.." BIG BIRD!" Shouts Prarie as she slaps the cock again. "This.. This isn't going to be easy to say this but Mr. Hooper he's.. uh he's." "Dead" blurted Herry "HERRY!" Prarie shouts at the monster for being insensitive. "What I thought after that meltdown Big Bird'll be relieved to hear that Mr. Hooper's dead besides what are the odds he could've been 111 let alone still running the store at such age." "Uh guys." Says Snuffy trying to avoid the topic "Who the fuck are they?" Snuffy pointed his long snuffle out towards an irritating red monster, a pinkish fairy, and other "unfamiliar" faces. "If you're happy and you know it and you really want to show it if you're happy and you know it clap your hands." "HA HA HA HA Elmo loves to sing all these wonderful songs now lets sing the alphabet" "A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I..." "Well there at it again." says a familiar old guy "Doing what?" asked another familiar geezer "They're being all gaga over letters." says the white haired geezer "As if whoever made this shit could even write." "DOH HO HO HO HO" heckled the two familiar old men. "Elmo... what kind of stupid name is that?" asks Big Bird "Would you look at that we just got here 2 minutes ago and I see a whole group of people more obnoxious than Ernie had ever been all these years." says Bert "Whatever kind of drugs his parents were on I want it." continues the turkey ranting on the name "Elmo" "Elmo this Elmo that it's like he owns the place or something." "Well it's a shame Mr. Looper died but at least Bob, David, Gordon, Susan, Mr. Macintosh, Maria, Linda, Olivia, and Luis are still here am I right? Big Bird asked thinking there could still be one good thing about Sesame Street in 2019. "According to my scanners none of the adults are are are are are." Herry punches S.A.M. nearly knocking the robot over the edge. "Around here anymore." S.A.M. finishes his sentence. "Well it's official 2019 sucks especially on Sesame Street most of our friends are gone and everyone's basically retarded." "My eyes burn." says Grover covering his face "ME EAT VEGGIES?!" yelled Cookie Monster in dispair and disbelief. "This is absurd me no eat cookies in future?" "But but me Cookie Monster not Veggie Monster." They no call me Cookie Monster for nothing or me just Monster." "Me mean if someone ask for me name do me say hello there me Monster." "Who's responsible for this this dark, sick, twisted nightmare?" Me no want to live in world where me no eat cookies God please kill me now put me out of me misery." says Cookie being a drama queen. "This is an outrage!" shouts the Count "There's just so many things wrong with Sesame Street in 2019 there's no way I can count how many horrible crap is happening now." Suddenly 2019 Oscar emerged acting alot less grouchy puting Oscar to great shame of what he'll become and dive back in the can in a flash. 2019 Oscar's can has Fluffy and the rest of her herd sticking out their trunks (Basically their whole bodies if you want to be technical) yelling in agony as always. "GOD DAMMIT HOW ARE YOU FUCKERS STILL ALIVE!" Big Bird furiously screamed "I THOUGHT THE POACHERS WOULD'VE KILLED YOU BUT NOW IF THE SHIT YOU LIVE IN HADN'T YOU'RE LUCKY I CAN'T GET MY WINGS ON YOU OTHERWISE YOUR DEAD YOU HEAR ME OH WAIT ALL YOU ARE ARE TRUNKS NO EARS NO EYES NO MOUTH NO BALLS JUST GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING TRUNKS HOW ARE YOU NOT EVEN DEAD YET YOU CAN'T EAT YOU CAN'T FUCK YOU CAN'T REPRODUCE YOU'RE JUST FUCKING TRUNKS!" "Uh Bird uh I know you're racist towards elephants for wierd reasons but I'm a tad offended don't you remember Snuffleupagi and Elephants were decendants to Mammoths so we're basically related." says Snuffleupagus. "But Snuffy I don't cuss, threaten, scream, and or abuse them simply because they're elephants." Big Bird responds. "Well why do you treat Fluffy and the other's like shit all the time you know they're an endangered species." "Snuffy you know my sister Esmeralda right?" Big Bird asks "Quite frankly Bird I don't recall you saying you have a sister in the first place but what does that have to do with what we're saying." "Well Snuffy it all started when I was 3 my family and I just moved to Sesame Street but when we met Oscar he was smoking 23 year old cigarettes and swearing at us and calling us birdbrains which is racist to us birds and when my Dad decided to stand up to us Yoda here sent those asswipes out and they killed my parents right in front of me and raped my sister oh God I had nightmares for months in fact they raped her so hard she ran away from Sesame Street leaving me all alone which was the last time I saw her." "OW OW OW OW GOD THIS CRYING IS HURTING MY EYES I NEED A HOSPITAL THIS IS PAINFUL." Grover yells after hearing Big Bird's sad story. "Alright that does it R2D2 send us back to 1979 pronto." says Oscar the Grouch "And I don't have all fucking day I got to deal with Seymor he's been real bad today." A holographic projector shows 1% loading so it's going to take a while. "Ah that's 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 percent AH HA HA HA." exclaims the Count as thunder and lightning is heard. (Coming up we will see what the adults are up to back in 79 so stay tuned... or not it's a free country)


End file.
